My, my, it’s certainly been a while. I’m much more considerate these days. I usually try to check under the stall first for feet before rattling the door.

Confused? Well, you shouldn’t be if you actually know what a turd burglar is. You see, a lot of people think that a turd burglar is some kind of homosexual. They couldn’t be more wrong. And you might say that Urban Dictionary says it’s a gay reference. Well, just because a lot of people think the same wrong thing, it doesn’t make it right. That’s how ‘literally’ comes to mean 'figuratively’ and the english language dies a little inside. Besides, it really doesn’t make any sense. Gays do not steal fecal matter. They’re generally quite clean. :P

A turd burglar can actually be any inconsiderate douche with bad situational awareness. When you’re sitting on the toilet in a public restroom, struggling to take a dump and just when your efforts are about to pay off, someone rattles the door and you clench, drawing the chocolate dragon back into the unreachable depths of its cave, THAT is the turd burglar. That door-rattling dick that robbed you of a proper bowel movement is your turd burglar. And no, I haven’t done that in a while.

-TB